Fear

I have this one fear that follows me where ever I go. I can never escape it....well two fears. I am deathly afraid of spiders. Other than this, I fear being single for the rest of my life. Some people have the gift of singleness. Do I? Golly I hope not. I think about being married most of the time. I hate this. Why can't I just trust? Maybe someday I will. I was talking to a girl on the phone tonight. She is quite lovely, but I am just her friend. I am always just the friend. This makes me depressed. Then I remember that I signed up for a Half Marathon. What am I thinking? Single this, lonely that. 13.1 miles? I am crazy. As Keith Urban says, "It's love, pain, and the whole crazy thing". At least I won't be thinking about being married for around 2 hours or so.

A letter to her

I think about you every day. This summer it will be two years since I kissed you and you told me you loved me. What went wrong? Was it something I said or did? I miss you so much. We used to talk all time. I knew what was going on in your life and you knew what was going on in mine. I try to put out of my memory that you did not mean the things you said to me. It is all so confusing. When I look into your eyes now, I can see that pain in my face reflecting to me. When hardly speak anymore. This is good perhaps. All I know is that I love you more than myself. I would lay down my life for you without hesitation. Any time you need me I will be there. I know I could treat you better than all the rest. Jesus seems to be telling me no. My heart breaks and my soul weeps. I must trust that He loves me and you too....Still hurts though.

The Truth

American Psycho is a great movie. It seems as if it could be my autobiography. If people only knew what went through my head and really knew my heart. Derek Webb said that the best thing that could happen to any of us would be that out deepest darkest sin would literally be exposed on the 5 o'clock news. I wonder if this is actually true. If people could read my mind they would throw up.
Last night I danced in the parking lot of Outback with a friend of mine. She is beautiful. She does not have romantic feelings for me. Nothing new really. It happens to me all the time...does anyone else hear that violin? I can't wait to be married. I will dance with my wife all of the time. Dancing is so much fun...except alone.
And back to my thoughts. I pray that Jesus would forgive the things that go through my head. This is my favorite song of all time. It is called Prodigal, written by Shane Barnard. These are my two favorite verses. They can speak for themselves. God forgive me and let me come home.


what have i done to get me here?
unraveled and undone, i need my father
what have i done? i've followed my feet to nowhere
now i'm here! as i ran, i can run no more
prodigal me

he mountains to the east, they�ve swallowed my beloved
this house completely incomplete, where is my mortar?
where did he go? he followed his feet to nowhere
please come home! you�ve done me no wrong
each evening i look down that road
i hope and i wait for you
and my servants they look down that road
we watch and we pray for you
master, master, who's that man stumbling down that road?
could it be the one? could it be? could it be?
master, master, it's Your son
coming home to join our lives!

Buddy

Do I look like a buddy? What is a buddy? How come girls always see me as their buddy? Another girl told me today that I was her good buddy. This is good I guess. It is better than her calling me dumb. The point though is why do I seem to emit this "buddy" scent. I don't know. I just want to be loved and have a family. Too often my eyes have seen the brokenness of relationships. A girl will not complete my life...right? At least if I have a girlfriend I will not have to go into the side of a restaurant on a Sat. night to get my food like I am a leper. When the girl told me today that I was her buddy I could not get the song out of my head..."My buddy and me". Some day soon I hope things will change. Until then, this is your good buddy saying buenos noches.

Maw Maw

I went to Siler City today to visit my great-aunt. She is 96. I had not seen her in at least 15 years. Maw Maw did not remember who I was. I called her sister my Nanny. Nanny raised my dad as her own because his mom was a drunk and his dad walked out on him...I used to get so mad at my dad because he did things to hurt me. One day I realized that he did the best that he could considering that his parents abandoned him. Grace is amazing when you learn to forgive people like I have forgiven my dad. He loves me and his love is not perfect. He tries though...Back to Nanny. I loved her more than I have loved any of my family members. She got really sick and died 7 years ago. I did not go see her when she was in the ICU. I could not stand the sight of her laying unconscious in the bed in a coma. I never got to tell her goodbye. Seeing her sister today, Maw Maw, made me realize even more how much I miss Nanny and wish that I could have told her goodbye. So I will tell her now.

Nanny, I miss you so much. I still remember the wrinkles on your face as I felt the life you had lived. I could not bring myself to see you laying there in the hospital. Please forgive me for not telling you goodbye. I never felt so loved as I did when you would let me lay my head on your lap as you scratched my head. Remember when we used to lay in the bed together and you would tell me how much you liked Michael Jordan? You would feed me Stoffer's Pizza and shove Diet Coke down my throat as we watched Wheel of Fortune. Seeing Maw Maw was so very hard today. I saw you in her eyes as she stared at me not knowing who I was. I did not come see you in the hospital because I was afraid you would stare at me in the same way. It breaks my heart to not have you kiss me on the forehead. Christmas will never be the same. I hope you know how much you mean to me and how I pray I will see you again. I have this dream that when I go to see Jesus, you will meet me and hug me. You will tell me how much you have loved me and missed me. Then you will hold my hand, take me to see Jesus, and the confusing life that I have lived will then finally make sense. You will give me some candy...then kiss me on my forehead.

Come Sweet Day...Amen.

Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day....or shame on you for being single day. I wonder if I will ever get married? I pray every night that I would. I don't date much. In fact I have not been on a date in almost 2 years. I guess I will meet the right girl someday. A lot of my friends have done the E-Harmony thing. I have not. Maybe it is because I am scared, but I think it is because I feel as though I would be trying too hard to find someone. I don't want a girl to be the sole focus of my life...Yet girls always end up being just that. I saw the girl that I love today. I have loved her for almost 9 years now. Every time I look at her I forget who I am and only see her. When I am with her I don't think about the fact that I think I am fat and unattractive. I wonder if she knows how I feel about her? We dated once. Best 2 weeks of my life. It did not work out though. Does she know that though I manage to live my life, but I would be hers with just one look? For now all I know to do is be myself. I will try and love people and show mercy and grace to those who don't deserve it. (myself included) I hope that I will be with Her one day. Until then I will workout, be depressed and happy in the same day, go to school, love my friends and family, play music, read, run, workout, and eat gummy bears.

My dear college friend

I talked to my very good friend from college today. It was very good to hear her voice. I am terrible at talking on the phone. I get nervous. Why you ask? I haven't the foggiest idea. I miss her very much. We used to play guitar together in her room. I miss those times. She lives two time zones away. I hope to see her again soon...I was just thinking...what if she knew me for who I really was? What if she knew that my heart is evil? Truth is, everyone's heart is evil. Humans can do great and noble things, but these are rare. There is so much suffering in the world. We spend so much money on an Ipod and yet there are people in my town that have no place to sleep accept out in the cold. Oh and don't forget, there is me. I think terrible things and do even worse. I constantly search for life in places where there is none? Idiot. I try to love though. I know I love my friend that I talked to on the phone today. I hope she knows that and loves me too despite of myself. Oh yeah I am playing drums tomorrow at church. I hope Jesus will be there.